August 30, 2011

"A Prayer for the Obstinate Learner"

It’s a difficult thing, this living in the moment. I breathe out the cramping, breathe out my lower back pain. I’m trying to be conscious to this thing that comes once a month, but it hurts. No shit. Forgetful or optimistic to a fault, I never expect for it to be this bad, this wrenching. But it always is without fail, Amen.

My body keeps trying to teach me something about humility—that I can’t keep going, powering through the yuck of menstruating, that I have to listen to my body and be gentle with myself. It’s a practice I’ve been relearning every month, and like that other lesson I keep forgetting about being here now, it’s impossible to remember until it’s impossible to forget.

Because my mind rushes past this moment all the time. I worry about what things will be like if we marry, when he’s going to propose, and how his kids will react. I think of them resenting me and I try to hedge them off by allowing them space to get accustomed to my presence. Sometimes I forget that they’re not equals and I find myself flinching when they start benign sentences that begin with, “I hate,” “I never want,” and “You.”

Later, like it always happens, I’m alone again, back inside my real life in my little house that’s perfect for just me. The echoes of their laughter still ring all around and I realize I’m falling in love with that sound, beginning to fear it may be one-sided. And it’s the most inert I ever feel. I relearn again to be present, to let go of the past before I yearn too much to be with them again, lest I forget to do my work.

I am strong. And I love this man more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Be thankful, I tell myself. This is all you ever have. Because the future will come in its own time and the past is gone. It’s simple really; all I need to do is observe this pain and release it. And until I learn this lesson—I mean really learn it, I’ll always be on the cusp of happiness looking outward for true joy when it can’t be found anywhere else but inside me.